Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Hayop kayo mga lalaki =))
Hayop kayong mga lalaki
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband
Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I'm not such kind of
person!
She: Can I trust you?
Now after the marriage you
can read it from bottom to the
top !!!!
*girls out there, thInK miLLiOn tImEs
bEfOrE gEttInG mArRiEd okay!!
10th Anniversary
Wife: Dear, anong regalo mo skin s 10th aniversary ntin?
Husband: dadalhin kta s Europe!
Wife:waw, ang sweet! Eh s 25th ntin?
Husband: Susunduin kta dun!
Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Pag sinuot ito, di kayo mabubuntis.
Babae: Bigyan mo ako 3.
3 months later, galit si babae:
Babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?
Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
3 girls make paalam to Dad:
Girl1: dad, i'm goin out with PETE to EAT
G2: i'm goin out with LANCE to DANCE
G3: i'm goin out with REX to....
Dad: Ah, hinde!! dito ka lang!!
hehehe! marumi nasa isip nyo..............
Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
Husband: Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!
Wife: Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!
Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!
Wife: Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!
A couple placed an ad:
"Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Responded:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
Pilosopong Technician
pedro: hay ganda
bakla: hayin mo mukha mo!!!
pedro: aba agang aga ay mapapalaban pa ata(pabulong)
bakla:pede ko ba patinggnan ang celfon ko
pedro: titingnan ko lang ba? o yan natinggnan ko na
bakla:ay pilosopo
pedro anu kamo posporo
bakla:kase itong cel ko hindi marunong magbasa..
pedro: ah alam ko na po ang sira nyan
bakla:wow galing mo naman...anu?
pedro: 100 percent po ang celfon nyo ay bobo kase hindi marunong magbasa ha ha ha
bakla:itlog mko ha ha ha
Just For Laugh
Nagtitipid
Mr: kung marunong ka lang sanang maglaba, eh di nakakatipid sana tayo ng 2000 sa maid.
Mrs: hmmph!! kung ikaw magaling sa kama, eh di nakatipid tayo ng 7500 sa driver!
Can you Fly?
In a petshop...
customer (talking to a parrot): "Hoy! can you speak ha? can u speak? BOBO!'....
Parrot: Yes, I can! Ikaw? Can u fly, ha? Can u fly? GAGO!
Goats! ay ghost pala...
Prof: who among you experienced having sex with a ghost??
Juan raised his hand...
Prof: Really?? how does it feel to hav sex with a ghost?
Juan: Ay pucha! Akala ko goats!!
Nanonood lang naman ako ah...
Nasa bubong ang sakristan, namboboso sa pari at madre.....
Madre: pano pag nabuntis ako??
Pari: bahala na ang nasa itaas!
Sakristan: Tang ina, bakit ako? Nanonood lang naman ako!
PINOY DIKSYONARYO
> Abuloy --- bayad sa nahigop na kape at nanguyang biskwit sa nilamayang
> sakla.
> Akala ---- alam na alam daw.
> Aginaldo - inaasahan na makukuha sa araw ng Pasko na mas okay sanakung
> pera
> na lang.
> Ama ------ pamilyadong gustong maging binata
> Bakasyon - sandaliang pahinga sa trabahong hingal lang ang pahinga.
> Bakit ---- tanong na laging mahirap masagot.
> Bakya ---- tsinelas na may takong.
> Baga ----- lutuan ng mga hindi makabili ng microwave.
> Bagoong -- masarap na ulam ng mga walang maiulam.
> Baldado -- hindi mamamatay-matay na mukhang hindi na mabubuhay.
> Bale ----- suweldong inutang.
> Binata --- lalaking gustong maging ama
> Biyenan -- anay ng tahanan
> Kaaway --- ikli ng 'kaibigan na Inayawan.'
> Kababata - dating gelpren na may ibang boypren.
> Kabag ---- dighay at utot na naghalo sa tiyan.
> Kabayo --- hayop na sinasakyan Ng kalesa.
> Kabit ---- asawang nakatira sa iba
> Kalbo ---- gupit ng buhok na korteng itlog.
> Dalaga ------ babaeng gustong maging ina.
> Dalaginding - dalagang hindi pa nagsusuot ng bra.
> Dighay --- Utot na lumabas sa bunganga.
> Dilim ---- liwanag na maitim.
> Ginang --- asawa ni ginoo na mukha nang tsimay.
> Ginoo ---- asawa ni ginang na may inaasawang iba.
> Gipit ---- kalagayan ng tao na suki na ng sanglaan.
> Ha ------- sagot ng nagbibingi-bingihan .
> Halakhak - tawang bukang-buka ang ngala-ngala.
> Handaan -- magdamagan na Palakihan ng tiyan.
> Handog --- bigay na laging may kapalit.
> Hipo ----- haplos na may malisya.
> Hudas ---- tapat na manloloko.
> Ibon ------ hayop na lumalangoy sa Hangin.
> Imposible - pagtaas ng unano.
> Ina ------- pamilyadang gustong maging dalaga.
> Insulto --- walang hiyang biro.
> Isda ------ hayop na hindi Nalulunod.
> Itlog ----- pagkaing amoy utot
> Ita ------- negrong Pinoy.
> La -------- ikli ng 'lalalalala' sa kinakantang hindi maalala.
> Lalawigan - syudad ng kahirapan.
> Langaw ---- kulisap na bangung-bango sa amoy ng basura.
> Ma -------- tawag sa gelpren na mukhang nanay na.
> Malusog --- hitsura ng tumatabang balat.
> Mama ------ tawag sa sosyal na ina.
> Mano ------ kaugaliang Pinoy na nakapupudpod ng noo.... at bulsa.
> Mantika --- katas ng piniritong taba.
> Mayabang -- abusadong tanga.
> Maybahay -- dominanteng utusan sa bahay.
> Nanay ---- Ilaw ng tahanan
> Nakaw ----- hiram ng walang paalam
> Naku ------ ikli ng 'nanay ko, nanay na ako.'
> Nitso ----- bahay ng mga patay.
> Nobya ----- gelpren na laking probinsya.
> Ngalngal -- iyak ng walang ipen.
> Ngisi ----- tawang tulo-laway.
> Ngiti ----- tawang labas ipen.
> Paa ------- bahagi ng katawan na amoy tuta.
> Paaralan -- dito itinuturo kung ano, alin o sino ang mapipiling bobo.
> Panata ---- dasal na nakatataba ng tuhod.
> Regla ----- masungit na panahon ng pagkababae.
> Sabon ----- mabangong bagay na ipinapahid sa mabahong katawan.
> Sakristan - utusan ng pari.
> Sampal ---- haplos na nakatitigas ng mukha.
> Ta -------- ikli ng 'tita' o lalaking may bra.
> Tamad ----- taong hindi napapagod sa pahinga.
> Tatay ----- haligi ng tahanan
> Utot-------- Dighay na lumabas sa puwit
> Ulol ------- sobrang matalino
> Wala ------- salitang tagalog na minana ng mga ingles.
> Yaya -------- alaga ng ama ng inaalagaang bata.
> THE FOLLOWING - MOST OF YOU HAVE ALREADY SEEN/READ BEFORE:
> Funny stuff only found in the good old Philippines. ..
> * Nakasulat sa pader:
> "MARUNONG KA BANG TUMAHOL? ASO LANG ANG UMIIHI DITO!"
> * along a highway in Pampanga:
> "WE MAKE MODERN ANTIQUE FURNITURE"
> * in a Baguio grocery:
> "FRESH FROZEN CHICKEN SOLD HERE"
> * in Cubao:
> "NONE ID NOTHING ENTRY"
> * on a parking lot:
> "TAXI AND OUTSIDE CAR NOT ALLOWED"
> * along Luneta Boulevard:
> "BAWAL TUMAE SA BULEVARD"
> * on Jeepney and Bus signs:
> "BEFORE PAY, TELL WHERE GET THE ON BEFORE GET THE OFF"
> * on a Flower shop in Rizal Avenue:
> "WE SELL ARTIFICIAL FRESH FLOWERS"
> * on a delivery truck:
> "NOT FOR HERE"
> * on window of a restaurant in Baguio:
> "WANTED: BOY WAITRESS"
> * A grafitti inside the cubicle of a ladies' C.R. in a university:
> "PLEASE DON'T SIT LIKE A FROG, SIT LIKE A QUEEN."
> * At a men's comfort room, above a urinal:
> "HAWAK MO ANG KINABUKASAN NG BAYAN"
> * at a construction site in Mandaluyong:
> "BAWAL OMEHI DITO. ANG MAHOLI BOG-BOG"
> * somewhere along San Andres:
> "NO URINATING, ON THE OVER WALLS"
> * vacant lot near Makati Ave.:
> "DON'T PARKING"
> * at an eatery in Cebu:
> "WE HAB SOPDRINK IN CAN AND IN BATOL!
> and this is the best of them all!!
> * on a building somewhere in the Philippines. ..
> "NOTARY PUBLIC TUMATANGGAP DIN NG LABADA KUNG LINGGO"
Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn't Be a Filipino-American US President,
Top 10 Reasons Why There Couldn't Be a Filipino-American US President,
By Charner Bacani
10. The White House is not big enough for in-laws and extended relatives.
9. There are not enough parking spaces at the White House for 2 Honda
Civics, 2 Toyota Land Cruisers, 3 Toyota Corollas, a Mercedes Benz, a BMW ,
and an MPV (My Pinoy Van).
8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with their fingers at
State dinners.
7. There are too many dining rooms in the White House - where will they put
the picture of the Last Supper?
6. The White House walls are not big enough to hold a pair of giant wooden
spoon and fork
5. Secret Service staff won't respond to "psst... psst" or 'hoy?.hoy?hoy?'
4. Secret Service staff will not be comfortable driving the presidential
car with a Holy Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror, or the statue of
the Santo Nino on the dashboard.
3. No budget allocation to purchase a Karaoke music-machine for every room
in the White House.
2. State dinners do not allow "Take Home".
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY THERE COULDN'T BE A FILIPINO-AMERICAN U.S. President
1. Air Force One does not allow overweight Balikbayan boxes!
Ingleserang si Inday
1) I believe that my trained skills and expertise in management with the use of standard tools, and my discipline and experience will contribute significantly to the value of the work that you want, my creativity, productivity and work-efficiency and the high quality of outcomes I can
offer will boost the work progress.
- sagot ni Inday sa interview ng bago niyang amo!
2) Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy's cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.
- sagot ni Inday nang tanungin ng amo kung bakit may bukol si Junior.
3) The consistency was fine. But you see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.
- nag-explain si Inday kung bakit maalat ang ulam.
4) Donya: Bakit tuwing paguwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng tv?!
Inday: Because I don't want you to see me doing absolutely nothing.
5) "It's absurd! It was never a fact that he will inflict a fight. I can only imagine how you handle schizophrenic kids on this educational institution. Revise your policies because they suck!"
- Inday, kasama si Junior sa principal's office.
6) Amo: Inday, bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay?!
Inday: A change in the weather patterns might have occurred wrecking havoc to the surroundings. The way the debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind was going northeast causing damage to the path it was heading for.
Amo: (nosebleed)
7) Stop your raucous behavior. It is bound to result in property damages and if that happens there will be corresponding punishment to be inflicted upon you!
- si Inday, pinagbabawalan ang mga bata na maglikot.
8) Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they'll stay. Leaving can be a tough act, and it's harder when people can't understand you for doing so.
- sagot ni Inday kung bakit umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7.
Beware of Lawyer haha
LEGAL AND LOGICAL
After having failed his exam in 'Logistics and Organization', a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: 'Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?'
Professor: 'Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!'
Student: 'Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam.'
Professor: 'Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?'
Student: 'What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?'
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: 'Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical.'
***
The clever lawyer
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well", the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
***
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep,he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.
Perfect Husband :)
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands free
speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2003 models.I saw one I really liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone knows who this phone belongs to?"
Erap Jokes
This incident supposedly happened before the "ERAP PRESIDENCY".
The most intelligent the "presidentiable"(Pinoy term for preisential candidates),
Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to
a televised debate.
To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question
which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam
a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.
Miriam asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?
" Erap doesn't say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and
hands it to Miriam.
Now, it's his turn. He asks Miriam: "What goes up a hill with three legs,
and comes down with four?" Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.
She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references.
She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net.
Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends.
All to no avail.
After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills.
Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.
Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos....
Letter of Erap to son JV
Dear JV:
Kamusta na sa Amerika, anak? Mabagal ko'ng isinulat ang liham na ito
dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Anak, gusto ko lamang
iparating na hindi na kami sa Malacanang nakatira ngayon. Nabasa kasi
ng mommy mo (si Loi), na kadalasan na ang mga aksidente ay nangyayari
sa bahay kaya't napagpasiyahan ko na lumipat na ng tirahan. Pero
huwag kang mag-alala. Dinala ko naman ang karatula ng ating lumang
address kaya maari mo pa rin akong sulatan sa dati nating address.
Mahirap na kasi ang pabago-bago. Alam mo naman na napakarami ko ng
kinakabisado.
Maganda naman ang tirahan namin ngayon. Mayroon pa ngang built-in na
washing machine. subali't ng labhan ko yung damit ko, hindi na bumalik.
kaya't huwag kang bibili ng Saniware washing machine, anak. malakas pa
naman sana ang ikot ... Maganda rin ang lagay ng panahon dito. dalawang
beses lamang umulan last week. Yung una, mula lunes hanggang miyerkules,
yung pangalawa, mula huwebes hanggang linggo.
Tungkol nga pala sa coat na gusto mong ipadala namin... masyado raw
mabigat sabi ni Orly kung isasama yung mga butones. kaya pasensiya ka
na kung tinanggal namin bago namin ipadala. Nilagay naman namin sa
bulsa para hindi mawala.
Ay naku! Alam mo bang basang-basa kami nung martes(nung unang umulan
last week)? Naiwan kasi nitong si Senator Tito yung susi ng BMW niya
sa loob.E nakabukas pa naman ang sunroof ! Basang-basa tuloy ang
interior! mabuti na lamang at gumanap na carnapper itong si Jinggoy
nung araw kaya nabuksan niya ang kotse mula sa labas. Ang kaso mo, ng
pumasok kami ni Jinggoy,naiwan si senator tito sa labas at hindi na
naman niya mabuksan ang kotse! WALA na NAMAN sa kanya ang susi. &^&@%*
mga artistang politiko talaga yan! Hindi gumagamit ng IQ... muntik na
kaming malunod nuon ah!
Naalala ko tuloy yung pinsan kong nahulog sa tangke ng whiskey! Marami
sana ang gustong sumagip pero pinilit pa ring niyang uminom at libre!
Ayun,nalunod at pina-cremate ---- anim na araw rin ang binilang bago
natapos ang apoy... kaya pag namatay ako, hindi ako paki-cremate...
masakit.
Siyanga pala, nanganak na si jackie kahapon.. Hindi ko pa alam kung
lalaki o babae kaya hindi ko masabi kong ikaw ay isa ng Uncle o Auntie.
Naku! napakalikot na bata... eager beaver ika nga! Anak, hanggang dito
na lamang muna ang aking liham... Marami pang pagbabago ang kailangan
gawin sa Pilipinas. Ayun sa survey, 95% pa lang ng mga Filipino ang
naging madasalin mula ng ako'y naging presidente! Kailangan 120%!!!
Siyempre kailangan kasama ang mga OCW sa abroad, no?
Love,
PAPA ERAP
P.S. Papadalahan sana kita ng pera pero nakasarado na ang sobre...
________________________________________
Call Center
A cub reporter was complaining about the
President's accessibility to the
media. Talking to another veteran mediaman, he
said it is harder now to get
through the President compared to those days when
he was still Mayor, Senator and even Vice President.The
mediaman said, "Pare, hindi totoo
yan! In fact they have installed a
very sophisticated telephone system over at
Malacanang. All you need to do is lift the handset
and presto you can talk to the
President anytime."
"Really?" said the amused reporter and hurriedly
ended the conversation. "O, sigue pare, thank you sa tip ha?
Tatawag na kaagad ako sa Presidente!"
And so the reporter got hold of a telephone and
dialed the Malacanang number, and this is what he heard:
"GOOD MORNING, YOU HAVE REACHED THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT.
IF YOU WISH TO TALK TO HIM IN TAGALOG, PLEASE PRESS ONE. IF YOU
WANT TO TALK TO HIM IN FILIPINO, PLEASE PRESS
TWO. IF YOU INSIST ON TALKING TO HIM IN ENGLISH,PLEASE
HANG UP AND DON'T CALL AGAIN!"
That didn't dampen the spirit of the persistent
reporter. He dialed the number again and followed the
instruction by pressing 1 (for Tagalog), and this is what he heard:
MAGANDANG UMAGA PO, ANG INYONG TAWAG AY NAKARATING
SA TANGGAPAN NG PANGULONG ERAP. SA KASAWIANG PALAD,
SIYA AY KASALUKUYAN PANG NATUTULOG. KUNG MAYROON KAYONG IBANG
NAIS MAKAUSAP, SUNDIN ANG MGA SUMUSUNOD: "PINDUTIN ANG ISA PARA
SA UNANG ASAWA, PINDUTIN ANG DALAWA PARA SA PANGALAWANG ASAWA,
AT PINDUTIN ANG TATLO KUNG MAYROON KAYONG MAIRE-REKOMENDA!
Eternal Flame
The truth behind the song ETERNAL FLAME and who really sang it...
BULAG: Close your eyes.
PILAY: Give me your hand, darling
BINGI: Do you hear my heart beating
BOBO: Do you understand?
MANHID: Do you feel the same?
DUKHA: Am I only dreaming?
BOMBERO: Is this burning? An eternal flame!
PIPI: Say my name.
BALIW: Sunshine through the rain
KAWAWA: My whole life, so lonely.
DOKTOR: They'll come and ease the pain.
MARAMOT: I don't wanna lose this feeling.
WOLF: Ohhhh....
Halo-Halonh Jokes
Boy: Nay! Muntik na ako maging top one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina ung top 1 sa klase. Ang
tinuro ni ma'am ung
katabi ko. Muntik na ako.
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted as his
translator:
Bush: Lets help one another.
Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
Bush: Let's strive together.
Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
Bush: Because in union there is strength.
Erap: Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!
Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni
mister, kiliti niya sa
leeg, saka bulong malambing sa tenga.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.
Mister: Huh! Cge, tulog na, bukas ibili kita.
Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Nagsa-suggest lang.
Pare 1: Pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare 2: Nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50 contestants
ng Ms. Universe
Pare 1: Swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare 2: Pare ako nanalo!
"There what it takes to be. Then we shall so be it
because it is.
To do or not to is in the what, now or what else.
Without which there never to you!"
- Words of wisdom from Senator Lito
Lapid
TEBAN: Pare sinong idol mo?
GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
TEBAN: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol
ko.
A variation of the above:
Erap writing on a slum book:
Favorite Actor:
Arnold Scharzene... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarze... ... (erase)
Arnold Schwarzz... ... (erase)
Arnold Shwazenne... . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwazenner.. . ..(erase)
Arnold Shwarzenneg. . ..(erase)
Arnold Schchwarzenne. .. (erase)
Arnold Clavio
Pare 1: Pre, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako masuka
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pre ~ sundutin mo tonsils mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa bibig mo ...
(pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan ewan ko na!!!!!)
Sa isang ospital...
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo lola.
Lola : Titi mo rin!!! Bastos ka!! walang modo!!
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..bastaa pareho po yan
walang laman!
Pare1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang
syota? wala ka pa bang
napupusuan?
Pare2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang!
(nyahahahaha! )
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayers ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers ko!
Yahoooooo!!!
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some dinner?
Passenger: Ano ba ang mga choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No lang po
Liham ni Maria :p
Ang Storya ni Maria!!
Registered Nurse si Maria sa States. Kasama niya ang kanyang Ina na
nagpapagamotdin doon. Namatay ang Ina nito. Dahil sa kamahalan ng pamasahe pabalik sa Pilipinas nagtipid si Maria. Pinauwi na lang niya ang kabaong ng kanyang Ina na mag-isa. Pagdating ng kabaong napansin ng mga kapamilya niya na dikit na dikit ang mukha ng kanyang Ina sa salamin.
Nagkomento tuloy ang isang anak, ay naku! Tingnan mo yan hindi sila
marunong mag-ayos ng bangkay sa America.
Upang ayusin ang itsura ng bangkay, binuksan ang kabaong. Aba! May
sulat sa dibdib ng Ina. Kinuha nila ito at binasa. ang nilalaman ng liham na mula kay Maria.
Mahal kong Tatay at mga kapatid,
Pasensiya na kayo at hindi ko nasamahan ang Nanay sa pag-uwi riyan
sa Pilipinas dahil napakamahal ng pamasahe. Ang gastos ko pa lang sa kanya ay mahigit $1,000. na. Ayoko nang isipin pa ang eksaktong halaga.
Anyway, ipinadala ko kasama ni Nanay ang sumusunod:
Nasa likod ni Nanay ang dalawangput apat na karne norte. Ang Adidas
nasuot ni Nanay ay para kay Tatay. Ang limang pares na de-goma ay nasa loob ng dalawang Jansport na backpacks na inunan ni Nanay, tig-iisa kayo.
Ang iba`t ibang klaseng kendi at tsokolate ay nasa puwitan ni
Nanay. Bahala na kayong magparte-parte. Sana`y hindi natunaw ang mga ito.
Ang Pokemon stuffed toy na yapus-yapos ni Nanay ay para sa bunso
ni Ate, gift ko sa birthday ng bata.
Ang itim na Esprit bag ay para kay Nene. Ate, nasa loob ang mga
pictures ni Inay. Japanese version and Pokemom trading cards at
stickers.
Suot ni Nanay yang sa mong Ralph Lauren, apat na Gap at dalawang
Old Navy t-shirts. Ang isa ay para kay Kuya at tig-iisa ang mga pamangkin ko. Maisusuot ninyo ang mga iyan sa fiesta.
Suot din ni Nanay ang anim na pantyhose at tatlong warmer para sa
mga dalaga kong pamangkin; isuot ninyo iyon sa party.
May isang dosenang NBA caps sa may paanan ni Nanay. Para sa inyo,
Itay , Kuya Dikong, Tiyo Romy. Bigyan na rin ninyo ng tig-iisa yung mga
pamangkin ko at iyong isa ay para kay Pareng Tulome.
Ang tig-dalawang pares na Nike wristbank at knee caps na
suot-suot din ni Nanay ay para sa mga anak mo Diko na nagbabasketball.
Tig-dadalawang ream ng Marlboro green at Winston lights ang nasa
pagitan ng mga hita ni Nanay.
Ang apat na Jar ng Skippy Peanut Butter, dalawang dishwashing
liquid, isang Kiwi glass cleaner at tig-aanim na Colgate at Aquafresh ang
nakasiksik sa kilikili ni Nanay, hati-hati kayo, huwag mag-agawan.
Isa dosenang Wonderbra na gustong-gusto ni Tiya Iska, suot-suot
din ni Nanay. Alam kong inaasam-asam ninyo iyan, Tiya.
Ang Rolex na bilin-bilin ninyo Tatay, suot-suot din ni Nanay.
kunin mo na agad, Tay.
Ang hikaw, sinsing at kuwintas (na may nakakabit na anim na
nailcutters) na gustong gusto ni Diche, ay suot-suot din ni Nanay.
Kunin mo na rin agad, Diche.
Isang Rayban Ladys sunglasses na pa-birhtday ko kay Ninang Berta,
hindi ko na pinasuot kay Nanay. Isiniksik ko na sa may bandang ulunan ni Nanay. Nasa pink plastic na maliit.
Mga Channel at Champion na medias, suot-suot din ni Nanay,
tig-iisa kayo maga pamangkin ko.
Mga Pampers, panty liners, cotton buds, cotton balls, table napkins
at mga Scotchbright na may foam ay natatakpan ng mga puting bathtowels. Yun bale ang pinagkutson ko sa kabaong ni Nanay. Marami-rami rin yun!
Parte-parte rin kayo.
Marami pa akong ipinagsik-sik kung saas-saang parte gaya ng cafe,
coffee, creamer, ilang Vienna sausage na de lata, Barbie dolls, toothbrush, paper cups, plastic spoons and forks, paper at Styrofoam plates, perfume, cologne, ballpens, stationaries, envelopes, bar soaps, matchbox toys, used t-shirts, hand towels, CD, VHS tapes, padlock tools gaya ng screw driver, plies, log nose, at iba pa na hindi ko na na-ittemize dahil nagmamadali ako.
Marami pa sana akong ipaglalagay, kaya lang, baka mag-excess at si
Nanay pa ang maiwan.
Basta, parte-parte kayo, Tatay, Kuya, Ate, Diche. Para sa inyong
lahat ito.
Bahala na kayo kay Nanay. Paminmisahan ko na lang siya rito.
Balitaan na lang ninyo ako, pagkatapos na libing. Paki-double-check ng listahan kung walang nawawala sa mga ipinadala ko.
Nagmamahal,
Maria
P. S.
Paki-bihisan ninyo agad si Nanay.
Female Brain Vs Male Brain
AND NOW....
PRESENTING......
THE MALE BRAIN....
hehehewhat you think =))
Engineering jokes and humors
Engineering jokes and humors
- Real Engnieers.1. Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
2. Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
3. Real Engineers wear mustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
4. Real Engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
5. Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
6. Real Engineers know how to take the cover off of their computer, and are not afraid to do it.
7. Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
8. Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
9. Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
10. Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
11. Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
12. Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
13. Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
14. Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
15. Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
16. Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
17. Real Engineers know that Halloween is really the same as Christmas, because OCT 31 = DEC 25. (If you _don't_ get it, then you're not a Real Engineer.)
18. Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
Top 10 liest of girls
YAYA: sir, sino mas masarap ako ba o si mam?
SIR: siyempre ikaw.
YAYA: hay. nalilito na talaga ako. sabi naman ng drayber natin si mam daw. hmp
top 10 lies of girls:
10. I'm on my way. (naliligo pa.)
9. I miss you. (nanguuto lang. asa ka naman.)
8. musta ka na? (may kailangan ako.)
7. I like you. (I like your cousin better.)
6. sleep na ko. (kakapagod kang katext)
5. busy pa ko. (boring ka.)
4. nagrereview ako. (ayaw kita katext ngayon.)
3. wala akong signal. (tinatamad ako magtext sayo.)
2. wala akong load. (may katext akong iba.)
1. I love you too. (para matahimik ka lang
SALESGIRL: sir, you can't smoke here.
CUSTOMER: but I bought these cigars from your store.
SALESGIRL: we also sell condoms, but it doesn't mean you can f*#k here.
PRIEST: how many husbands do you have?
WOMAN: 16 father.
PRIEST: what? why so many?
WOMAN: 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better, 4 worse.
kumpleto yan!
Tatay: Isa sa mga anak natin ang kumuha ng pera sa wallet ko!
Nanay: Sobra ka, bakit mo pinagbibintangan ang mga bata? Malay mo, ako ang kumuha!
Tatay: Sure akong hindi ikaw, may natira eh!
Di daw pinayagan ni Mama =))
Lolo and Lola agreed to recall their first meeting
50 yearsago to make it yesterday once more
Lolo waited long in the river with flowers and lola didnt arrive..
Lolo decide to go home na...
pag uwi ni lolo nasa bed si lola, nakahiga yakap ang unan.
lolo, angry so much, tinapon ang flowers sa floor, sabi ni lolo...
Bat dka sumipot sa lakad natin!!!??? 
Lola covered her face with the unan and pa-shy na sumagot...
Di ako pinayagan ni mama eh!?
wahehahahahah!!! hirap talaga noh pag dka payagan ng magulang?
hahahahahahahaAAA!!!!! 
